Speaking of the full moon.....

Did you hear about the restaurant NASA built on the moon?  The food was great but it had no atmosphere.

You might understand this if you're NOT a Norwegian. We Norwegians tend to stick, mostly, to Ole and Lena jokes. And, sometimes Sven. Campfires? Not so much.

EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY: THIS IS AMAZING

The one that really gets to me is the 204 million emails every minute of every day....and I'll bet a big bunch of them are dirty jokes.

LUTEFISK JOKE

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the lutefisk?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Norwegian?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Then because I asked for lutefisk, why did you ask me if I'm Norwegian?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

SOUNDS LIKE A NORWEGIAN JOKE

A chicken walks into the library and walks up to the librarian and says, "Book."

The librarian says, "You want a book?"

"Book."

"Any book?"

"Book."

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes.

But an hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book."

The librarian says, "Now you want two books?"

"Book-book."

So she gives the chicken two more novels and it leaves but it comes back later.

"Book-book-book." "Three books?"

"Book-book-book."

So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and find out what's going on.

The chicken goes down the alley, and out of town and towards the woods and into the woods and down to the river and down to the swamp and there is a bullfrog.

The chicken sets the books down by him and he looks at them and he says,

"Reddit, Reddit, Reddit."

HERE'S ONE I HADN'T HEARD BEFORE

Having shot a moose, Ole and Sven began dragging it by the tail to their pickup.  On the way they were stopped by the game warden.

"Let me see your hunting licenses", he said.  When he saw that all was in order he asked if he could give them a little advice.

"Ya, Sure, you betcha" the hunters said (have you noticed?  That's what Norwegians always say.)

"Well, guys, I think you would find it a lot easier to be draggin' the moose by the horns instead of the tail."

"Ya.  OK.  Tanks" they said.

After about five minutes Ole said to Sven, "Boy, it sure is a lot easier to be draggin' the moose by the horns and not the tail."

"Ya.  You're right.", says Sven, "but have you noticed dat vee are gettin' furder and furder away from the truck?"

IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE

Have you got time for a good joke?

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’

‘HELLLOOOOO. . . ,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs’!

You're going to LOVE this one!

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO, I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

How much do you charge? "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later, the doctor met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week, for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck".

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now".

FORGET THE SHRINKS... HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO A BARTENDER! IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!

A funny from Rita.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

 

She reply's in a huff, ’I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!’

When in Rome........

A ROMAN

WALKS INTO A BAR,

HOLDS UP 2 FINGERS

AND SAYS,

"5 BEERS, PLEASE"



THE CHURCH DRUNK

This should prepare you for church this morning.

ORDER IN THE COURT

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

SHIT, I MISSED AGAIN

Here's a joke from Rita and Roger.

CATHOLIC GOLF
A catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off to enjoy a round of golf.

The Priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.  He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed"

The good sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, Father missed again.  "Shit, I missed", he said.

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing." said the nun.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.  On the 4th tee he missed again.  His usual comment followed.


Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing."

On the next tee he misses again and, again, he says, "Shit, I missed".

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightening comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

From above comes a booming voice.  "Shit, I missed again.