THESE ARE JUST TOO GOOD

From a time before the English language got boiled down to tweets and 4-letter words.

Lady Astor: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." Churchill: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." Disraeli: "That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." --Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."--Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain  

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde

George Bernard Shaw: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." Winston Churchill: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one."

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." --Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." --Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." --Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." --Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --Forrest Tucker [who'd have thought...?]

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." [love it!] --Mae West [love it the more!]

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." --Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination. " --Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --Groucho Marx