Witticisms
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind: Every part
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
- John Glenn

 
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
- Desmond Tutu

 
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population
believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
- David Letterman

 
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
- Howard Hughes

 
After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box.
- Italian proverb

 
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
- Jean Kerr

 
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
- Jeff Foxworthy

 
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip

 
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
- Emo Philips

 
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
- Harrison Ford

 
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan

 
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
- Robin Hal

 
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
- Jean Rostand

 
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

 
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
- W.H. Auden

 
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
- Jonathan Katz

 
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson

 
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
- Arthur C Clarke

 
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
- Steve Martin

 
Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is.
- Jimmy Durante

 
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
- Doug Hamwell

 
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
- George Roberts

 
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
- Jonathan Winters